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New babies!

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depressed [Sep. 13th, 2006|03:41 pm]
New babies!


i dont feel like i fit in anywhere.. though i never have to be honest..

i feel like i'm constantly changing.. and when i finally go one way or the other i feel uncomfortable in my skin.. 

i had a hard enough time finding friends before... and now i'm a mom.. all of the friends that i had before dont have kids... or if they do they dont feel the way i do about some things..

my MIL is constantly acting strange around me.. i feel like she doesnt think i'm good enough for him just b/c i'm different..

Some days i want to wake up and put on a prom dress and clean the house all day... 
Some days i want to put on a business suit,  and some days i want to slip my hair up in to an amazing mohawk..

part of me likes to feel "pretty" like brittney spears pretty, with the girly purse, the straight/curly and controlled hair, the make-up that makes it look like you dont have any on.. the silly sweatpants that say something random across the butt..
i'm a little too poor to go that far... ($10 is a lot for a pair of sunglasses).. and i dont like to spend ALL that time trying to look pretty.
i also really like punk style too.. but again i like the old punk philosophy, i want to ask these new "punk" kids who black flag is.. they seem a little to angry jsut to be angry.. w/out real reason, and that's not what punk really is to me
part of me likes gothic style.. but i HATE with a passion the "new-age" goth kids that think the world is so AWEFUL, and all they want is to die.. bla bla bla.. i know some people that have it REALLY bad.. i really like/embrace the orriginal social gothic movement (lady macbeth) which was simply a love and embracing of that which is usually feared/unliked (darkness death winter etc)..

A while back (when my hair was long and had the leftovers from being colored umpteen times before i was pregnant, and was pretty much all dead and stuff..
I went to the mall w/ my family (daughter, finacee, MIL and FIL).. we went looking for pants and shorts b/c i was still wearing maternity clothes.. 
We ended up looking at all these pretty preppy girl/promish dresses.. and my MIL kept saying TRY THESE ON.. i thaught maybe she was diong it b/c she liked me and she wanted me to look good for her son..

While i was trying them on at one point she said "you need something to wear to the wedding (my friend's are getting married.. and I'm MAKING myself a dress) not that the one you're making isnt nice i just think that you should go in style".. and another time she said "i wish (my sister in law) was  here, she could dress you better"... 

I'm still making my dress, and it's going to have skulls on it LOL (it's also a nursing dress) but i just feel like shit.. like i'll never have any really close friends b/c no one really ever fully understands me.. not even my fiancee.. and usually not even me. 

I do understand that i cant expect anyone to understand me if i dont fully understand myself, but it seems like no one tries because i change so much.. 
nomatter how much i change i'm still the same old me! :(

x-posted to my journal, altparent, _pregnant_, and bad ass dads

[User Picture]From: tactfullady
2006-09-13 08:31 pm (UTC)
I can kind of relate to this. I think all women can, especially when we become mothers. You try to be a "mom" in the traditional sense of the word, but with that, you lose yourself. As long as you love our babies with all of your heart and do what you know to be the best for them, remain yourself, they will thank you for it when they are older.

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